Holding hands part nine 

Lexi decided to back off for a while. She did not call him. She would coment on his post on face book. She tried to put the baball in His court. 

He seamed to go back and forth. He went from zero to a hundred and then back.it drove her crazy.  In a span of a couple mouths that continued. 

She spent a lot of time with his family. She started to make connections with them.she and his mom had become close. She became close with his sisters. SHe adored his baby sister. The youngest boy refered to her as exi. 

He was not ready to fully comit. He was not ready to fully ready to uncommit either.she struggled to sort all this out.  She hoped it would all came togeher. She had done all she could.  

She went to his church on Sunday and wendsday night. He went to her Saturday night. 

One saterday afternoon, she got a call . She answered it. “Hello!”she said. “Lex i was wondering if we could go to church in the same car? “He asked. 

“Sure. I would like that. “She said.”can you be ready by five thirty?”he asked. “I will be ready a little before five thirty.i know all about Derek promptness. ” she told him. “I will see you then. “He told her. “You got it. ” she answered. Lexi was excited at first. After she hung uo,the euphoria wore off. Evetytime she ley her gaurd down,every time she dared to get close to him he would back track. 

She could not keep going though this old familiar paturn.she could not keep going though this. She decided she would talk to him tonight. This had to be settled ine way or the orther.

She put her hair in a poney tail. She wore a gray t shirt and a pink skirt.she wore flip flops. She was ready way earlier. Derek was notoriously known for being early. There he was. She walk to thr car and got in. He always made her smile. It was hard right then.being with him,this was the life she wanted.she feared that it might be the life she would never have. 

As they walked inside, they did not hold hands. She did want to. They went inside.  They saw tom ,denese and the kids. They usualy sat with them. “You must enjoy living dangerously.  Just because you have not melted does not meen that you wont. ” tom told him. 

“Very funny! “Derrek said. “We are realy glad your hear. “Denese said.”thank you denese. ” dereek told her. “So do you keep draging him or does he come on his own?”tom asked.”no he comes on his own.”lexi assured him. “Oh ok.”tom said.”dont get too exited. I am not becoming a. Pentacoastal!”derek said. “I did not think so. ” tom said.

 During a worship lexi did what she usualy did. She danced and raised her hands. She tried not to make derek too uncomfortable.  She noticed he did ocasionaly sing along. She found it qute thwn she noticed it he would stop.

He always made her smile. She realy liked his personality. She even liked his more qirky parts. She was in love with him. It was not in a mushy way. It was in  a biblical way.she was certain that he would fall in love with her like that if he let himself. 

“Are you in a rush to get home or do you want to make a timys run?” he asked her. “Lets hit tim hortons!”she answered.  The ride was quiet.  She did not want to talk to him about there relationship or lack of it but felt she had to.They got coffe and mufins. 

“Derrek we need to talk!  “She said.”oh!”he said.  “This is not working. I am spining my wheals. I cant make this work on my own. Your sending me mixed signals.  Your sending yourself mixed signals.  Your devided. I know you feel about me the way i feel about you. The word is getting in the way.a double minded man is unstable in all his ways.”

“You have to be fully persuaded in your mind. If yiu cant commit to this or you simply dont want to thats fine.  I cant do this.  I wil give you two weeks from today. I need a firm answer. Yes or no. It has to be definitive. No turning back. You say its over then its over. We part ways. Until then i will stil go to your church. Orther then that i will give you space. I wony bug you or presure you.  If we do break up or whatever i dont believe that i can fully swrve the lord without you but God gives grace.  That is not what i want to do but i will if i must. I cant make you be into this. Its up to you dere. The ball is in your court.”she told him. 

“I need stability.  I need security. I need you to make up your mind.i will abide by whatever you decide. “She said.

He was not expecting this.he had wanted her to back off for a bit. He wanted some time to catch her breath.  He wanted to take some time to consider all of this. This was not quite what he had in mind. He thought about what she said. He realized he probably did send mixed signals.  He did not intend do but he realized that he did.

“Alright! I will give it some thought. I will pray about it. I will give you an answer by saterday two weeks from now. “He assured her.

“Ok like i said i wont pressure you. This has to be your decision.  I wont like a no answer but i will accept it.whatever your decision is it will be final. You say no we part ways agreed?” she said.”agreed.”he said.

It kinda put a danper on the rest of the date. Neither one said much after that. Tgey finished there cofee.they got up from the table. They headed out. They walked to the car. He opened the door. She got inside. He closed the door. He got into the drivets seat. He started tge car. The car speeds off.

The car arived at the home of Lexi.  The night had been very akward.derrek parked the car at her driveway. “I promise i will give this a lot of thought with a lot of prayer. “He assured her. ” i know you wil. “She told him. He wished him a good night. She reciprocated. She left the car. He made sure she got inside. Then he left. 

He felt tense as he drove home. He felt a knot in the pit of his stomach. He knew she was right. He had no idea how to tackle this. He drove from lexi’s apartment to his house.he parked the car and walked to the steps of his parrents house.

He went inside the home. “How were things at lexi’s church?”anna carlson asked. “Fine. “Derrek responded. “Is everything ok?”pastor carlson asked. “Yes of course. ” derrek answered.  “Are you sure?” his mom asked. “I am fine!” he reaplied.

He wanted to think for a while. He was im schock over what had occured that night. He wanted time to process what had happened.  He went up to his bedroom. He tried to destressify.  He had no idea where to start. He was quite bewildered.  He hated feeling like this.

This was what he wrote in his journal. “My heart is heavy tonight.lexi gave me basically an ultimatum.  She wants me to figure out if i want this relationship with her or not. I felt like this was moving too fast. I did want to slow down a bit. I gues unwitingly i did send mixed feelings.  I did not thini so when she first said it. In retrospect perhaps she waa correct.i have troubling believing that this is God’s will given how it came about.because of that i have tried to rebuff her. Perhaps i did not rebuff her as much as i thought i did. I did not neen to but i did give her the impression that a union was plausible.  Now i have to figure out to do. I have to embrace it foever or end it foever. I have two weeks to make a decision that could totaly change my life and its course. It was a decision i wanted to wait on.i do see her point. It was nit fair to string her along. Hear goes nothing i supposed.  Now i must begin to figure this all out. ” 

He was realy nervous about all this.for whatever reason,he really rattled him. He tried to remain calm. He figured that nothing would come off that saterday night. Then it seemed like mayby it would.  Now it was his decision.  He had no idea how to tackle this. 

When he went to bed,he tried to remain calm so that he could fall asleep.  His mind raced. He tried to wind down. He gave up and let his mind race. He tried to deal witj the question could this be Gods will . he considered key points.  He tried to unravel his objections. Eventually his exhaustion gave in and he fell asleep. 

End of part nine. 

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