Holding hands part 15

Previously on holding hands.

While visiting a penticoastal church bible colege student derek carlson meats lexsi graves. At the service the pastor prophesied that they should be married.  

She embraced it whole heartily.  He had doubts. After a series of indisiveness , lexsi tells him to take some time and decide if he wants this or not. He decides that he does.  

He is now ready to begin a new chapter in there relationship.  She is woried that he might still have doubts.  She is not sure if she should hold back a bit. She really does not want to. 

 The sunday after they got back together, she went to his house a litle bit before the evening service was to begin. She wore a purple top and black skirt and flip flops.  He came out to meet him. He wore a black suit and tie. 

His presence always made her smile.today was no different.  From the first time she met him,she thought that he was very handsome. 

He hugged her. He gave her a light peck on the cheak. “Hi hunie !” she said.  “Hey lex! ” he said. ” how was church thus morning?” she asked. “Doing good.  I went though exodus for survey class. Morning service dad preached on psalm 22. How was your church? ” he asked. “It was good.  The pastor preached on the holy spirit. No penticoastal jokes dere!” she said.

“I would never. Well i might but i will refrain.” he said. “It was realy good.you should listen to it. Its on the web site. ” she said. ” mayby i will. ” he said. She chuckled. 

“Ready to walk over to the church?” he asked. “Sure!” she said. He took her hand. ” so your preaching tonight?” she asked. “That is corect. I just have to decide what i am preaching on. Im kidding.  I had it all writen on Wednesday.  ” he said.

“You usualy have surmon ideas on note cards dont you. You just have to decide which one to go with dont you?” she asked. “You have caught on to my methods? Yes its true. Sometimes i merge several ides into one.  ” he said.

“I am excited to hear you preach tonight. ” she said. ” thanks.  I always look forward to being able to preach the word. ” he told her. 

No one at his church besides his immediate family knew that they had been on a break. They had noticed that they acted differently then they had before. 

Now they were back.  They enjoyed each other. It was clear and evident. There love for eachother led to love for others. Tonight they were happy. This was clear. 

Derrek preached on being restored to a relationship with God folowing a setback.  He started with the fall of Adam and eve. He discussed david’s fall and he discussed the return of the captives under Nehemiah and ezra. He discused Romans 8 and first john two. He discused the eternal esate. He discused how we should strive to be closer to the lord as we look froward to one day having christlikeness. 

Lexi was taking notes as fast as she could. There was so much hear. She was writing notes copying what he said as well as fast as she could.  She also wrote some of her thoughts. She would relisten to it off the website. 

The last two weeks had been hard on her. It took a toll on her. Tonight this surmon reminded her why she wanted to marry him. This confirned in her mind his call to ministry and her call to be his wife.  Her ministry was inter twined with his. 

She knew he worked hard on this. This was on  his heart. God has imparted on him wisdom. He was sensitive to the things of the lord. He had Godly wisdom. He felt a burden to impart this to others. 

After the service, she went to him. “I realy liked your message.  ” she told him. “Praise the lord. It is something i feel strongly about.  ” he told her. “I can tell. ” she said.

He talked to various people in the church. Then after everyone had left. He and lexi walked back to his parents house. They sat on the porch as was there custom.  

“So what is our time table? ” she asked. “Well i am a jr in college.  So are you. This is early november. We probably should complete our college traning. I am thinking the very earliest would be after graduation. The earliest is a year and seven mouths.  Somewhere after that. ” he said.

“Ok. Thats sounds reasonable.  ” she responded.  “Are you ok with that?” he asked.  “Well i want to mary you tomorrow.  I know we have to have a time of courting.  I agree. We need to get to know eachother. We need to go through marriage counseling.  Yes. That sounds reasonable.  I just wanted to find out where you are. “She said. 

“What would your time table look like?” he asked. ” realistically yes. I think sometime after graduation. I would like it be not too long after graduation.  I understand it might need to be a bit later. That is a reasonable time frame. I would not want it much beyond two years from now. That i gues is a preference.  ” she said.

“I understand that. I definently do. I agree with that.  I dont want it to go beyond two years from now. ” he said.

“So what is your time frame for ministry?” she said. “Right now i am an unoficial asistent pastor,youth pastor etc. My dad is mentoting me. I want to start churches. I am not sure if i want to pastor an excisting one first or find an unreached area and start a church. Dad started a church from scratch then did it two more times.  I hold a lisence to preach that is renewed every year. I want to become ordained.  In independent Baptist you go before an ordination council that consist of pastors curent or retired. The church votes on it baised on thr recommendation of the council. I might want to start a church on behath of gospel baptist. A kind of missionary pastor.  We could do it independently as well. ” he said.

“It sounds like you have given it a lot of thought. Would you want to get maried before becoming a pastor? ” he asked. “That is what i am thinking. If not they would be close together. I am open to pastoring an excisting churcg first but i feel called specifically to church planting. I gues my next phase of ministry is getting maried. ” he said.

“Thats sound reasonable.  ” she told her. “What are your thoughts on time table of ministry?” he asked. “I agree with you. That is a sound plan. I am glad i know your thinking on this. I am pleased that you have it well planned out. ” she said. 

“Are you ok with being a baptist pastor’s wife?” he asked. “I think i am. I think i have the gifts talents and abilities to be an efective pastor’s wife. I sing, i played several instruments including the piano. I have been told i have the gifts of encouragement.  I like to desiple. As for being a baptist pastor’s wife i am not sure about that. I have to pratice staying still during a church service. That might take some work. ” she admitted. 

He chuckled. ” i dont think i have ever seen you sit still. ” he said.”no you probably have not. I will work on that.  ” she said. “Can i watch you work on that?” he asked. 

She gently poked him. “Your one to talk dere. You dont dance or raise your hands but you nevet sit still. “She remarked.  ” true. ” he said. 

“You think i can be a good Baptist pastor’s wife?” she asked. He smiled.”absolutely.  You will be an amazing pastor’s wife.  ” he said. She smiled. “Thanks.  I will definently aspire to that with the help of the holy sprit. ” she said. “I know you will. I have full confidence in that. The lord has begun a good work in you. He will complete it on the day of christ. ” he said. 

“I know he will do the same for you. ” she said.  ” thank you lex. ” he answered. 

He walked her to her car. “Hey i have clases tomorrow morning.  You want to stop by hear tomorrow morning before clases?” he asked. “Yea. Sounds great. I will see you then.” she said. He kissed her on the cheak. They hugged. He watched her leave.

Next up

Derek and lexi get more involved in each others world. 

Holding hands part 14

Saterday arived. He had to give lexi an answer today. He finaly made up his mind definitively  on saterday morning. He prayed about it. He was peace. 

Lexi had incisted that whatever he decided, it had to be definitive.  It had to be the final answer. He had agreed.  He was ready. 

 Saterday afternoon he called her. Lexi was in her room. She did not want to answer the phone but she did. She answered the phone. “Hey dare!” she said. 

“Hi lex. Do you want to go to church tonight with me?” derrek asked. “Yes.of course. Do you have an answer?” she asked. “I do. ” he said “i want to hear it tonight on our way to church ok?”she asked. ” ok.” he said.

“I will see you then. ” she said. “You got it.” he said. Then they hung up. She did not do much that Day. She did not have a lot of ambition.she felt weary.  She spent much of her day in her room. 

She changed from a tank top and pajama pants to a yellow short sleve dress.  She put on flip flops. She would wait for him to arive. 

He always wore a suit and tie to his church. At youth group that he was a leader at, he wore a polo shirt. He usualy dressed down wgen he attended her church. He wore a dress shirt and jeens.  He almost changed to khakies but decided he looked fine. 

He said good bye to his family. He got into his car. He drove to her apartment. She was emotionaly exhausted.  She was not her usualy bubbly exerburent self. She kinda dragged herself to do anything.  

She often time waited for him on her steps but not today.  She was stil inside when he pulled in. She just did not have a spring in her step today.she opened the screen door and walked to the car.

“Look if the answer is no lets just part ways and that will be that!” she said “what? No the answer is yes. I am in!” he said. 

There was a single tear that ran down her cheak. ” really?” she asked. “Yes. Really hunnie!” he answered. He wraped his arms around her and hugged her. He had ment it to be a quick hug. She would not let him go. She held on to him for a bit. 

“Ok im ready!” she said.he started the car. The car left his driveway. “Your totaly in. Your one hundred percent in this? ” she asked. “Yes i am. I dont totaly understand it. I do believe the lord had brought us together. I believe the lord is glorified by us being together. I believe that saten wins if we are not. That does not totaly make sence to me but i do believe that.” he told her. 

“Ok i just had to make sure!” she said. The car arived at thr church parking lot. He parked the car. ” hey do you want to go out for cofee at our usual spot after the service?” she asked.” yes! Absolutely! ” she said. 

She realy wanted to just sit and talk to  him.  She felt like she had a lot to talk about. She felt like they really needed to talk and talk soon.they needed to have a deep and meaningful conversation.   They had a lot to figure out and work out. 

They both got of the vehicle. She took her hand. They walked hand in hand into the church. ” i like the outfit tobight. Jeens and dress shirt works for you . ” she said. ” thanks. ” he said.

They went to the sanctuary.  They sat next to tom and denise and there family. “It is good to see you two together. ” tom said. They smiled at him and then at eachother.   

During the worship time she raised one hand. She would not let go of him.she felt insicure that day. She was not leting him go. 

He sang along.he knew most of the songs now.  He would not dance. Some times he found himself swaying but when he realize it he stoped. She laughed st him. She loved it. He was the funniest when he was not trying.  She found his old fashoned ways to be endearing.  

She observed that he was reserve. He was pasive. He was traditional. She believed that she could bring him out of her shek. She did not want to change him . she liked how he was. She wanted him to stay conservitive in most things.  She wanted him to calm down in orthers. She was becoming king james prefered.she wore pants but saw that dreses or skirts were probably more famine.  She hoped he would moderate on other isues like music. She hoped he could go to a set point on these isues. She did not want to change him just calm him down on a few isues. 

He watched her. She was silly at times. Totally the oposite of him in many words. She seemed to be bold.she had little inhibitions.  She never sat stil.  He pictured her always dancing always swaying.  Always with a song on her heart if not on her lips. The perpetual optimist. Almost poly anish but with a touch of realism. Perhaps they were even eachother out he thought. 

During the worship time, he wondared if the lord could realy take him and her two people who seemed hopelessly and terminaly incompatible and make them truely one flesh? Then it dawned on him that he already had. 

After the service ,they went to there usual place for cofee. She was fairly qiet. “Are you upset with me?”he asked. “A little. She answered. 

“I kinda figured. “He answered.”i love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.  I am a little upset with you. Why did you drag this our for two weeks? This should not have taken you five minutes.  Either you want to be with or you dont.if you dont feel it, you dont feel it.” she said.

“Its not that simple. I want to be with yoy.i had to make sure it was God’s will. ” he said.”you baptist. Its all logic. Platonic Christianity.  It is anlitical. It is all acdemic. Do you not feel anything?  “She asked. 

“This is the bigest decison of our lives. Logic has to come into it. ” he said.”you canot dismiss feelings entirely as well!” she told her. ” i know that.  ” he said.

“I want you to want this. I want you to want to be with me. I want you to blow you away. I want you to love me as much as i love you! Your too buisy running statistical anylises to see the forest from the trees!” lexi told him. 

“I do love you. I do want to want to be with you. Thats who i am. I am anytical. Mayby i do psycho analize everything .  ” she told him. 

“”I know you would perfer i be if.b. i have been completely honest with you. I wont change my views on tonges unless i am convinced by the bible.  I am wiling to go to your church and embrace most of independent baptist. Is it not enough i can go to your church all the time and go to myine on Saterday and mid week. ” she said. 

” no i dont mind how we have it! Now” he said. “Look your aloud to tell me how you feel?” she said. ” this is how i feel. ” he told her. ” ok. “She said. 

“Im sory this is not how i wanted tonight to go. I want us to be happy. I want us to enjoy eachother.  ” she said. ” i am happy. I do enjoy you. I do want this. ” he said. 

” are you totaly in? Are you one percent in?” she asked. ” yes absolutely.  ” he answered. ” i am sory.i feel realy insicure tonight. I do trust you. I missed you. These last two weeks were horible. Lets never do this ever again. Ok? Lets be apart like this ! I am upset but i stil love you. I want to know you.  I want to realy know you. Please let me in. Break down those walls of yours ok?” she asked.

“Ok. No more walls. These last two weeks were terible. I agree lets never do that again. I missed you too. ” he said. 

“You were so funny tonight!” she said “me?” he asked. “You were swaying. Well until you realized you realized you were doing it and then you stoped.  It was cute!” she said. 

“You were cute yourself. ” he said smiling. ” how so?” she asked. ” its hard to explain. Your just are. My penticostal preee fiancée! ” he said. ” i like the sound of that. ” she said.  

“Im really sory. I did not consider you like i said. I did not take your feelings into acount. I messed up big time. Im sorry. ” he said. 

“I forgive you. Thank you.”she said.”i did up walls. I gues i only let you get so far. “He said. “No more walls? Will you let me in?” she asked. “Yes i will. No more walls. ” he said. “Ok good. I am not upset anymore. I might have overeacted. These two weeks made me weary. Leta never do this again. Even if its hard lets see eachother every day. In person or phone but lets keep the lines of communication open.”she said.  “Ok agreed “he said. 

“Do you really see us as pre enganged?”she asked. “I do. Do you see see is that way? “He asked. She smiled. “Yes i do. ” she said. 

They left the cofee shop holding hands. They got into the car . There Eyes met. He drove her home. He walked her to het steps.

He hugged her. She held on to him. He kissed her on the cheak.  “I will see you tomorrow hunnie!” she said. “You got it. I love you lex!”he said. “I love you dare!” she said. She went inside smiling.  He drove off. 

He knew how he felt. He knew how much he loved her. He was glad that he had met her. She would change his life, she already had. He believe he changed hers as well. He was excited to begin there life togather. 

End of part 14

Next up 

Derrek and lexi have a lot of heart to heart talks. 

Holding hands part 13

“What about this seccond?”hilda asked.  ” am i interrupting something? “Dr. Micheal mcgaff the colege ptesident asked. “No sir. Not at all. “Derrek responded.

“When do i get to meet this alexa i have heard so much about?” he asked. “Soon i hope. Perhaps at the november retreat.  ” derrek said. “Please introduce us to you. Marta and i are looking froward to meeting her. “He said. “Of course.” derek said.

 Derrek thought to himself, “thank you lord.” he realized he was being an idiot. A few mouths later he spoke to doctor mcgaff about this event. The doctor admited that when he saw him talking to hilda,he felt that he needed to interveign  so he did. 

He did not have a problem with hilda.she was a Godly person. She did later mary and she and her husband had a family and served the lord. She just was not his will for derek. Doctor mcgaff preceved that. 

Derek realized that he was about to go down a path that he was already told not to.  When God closed a door you should not try to reopen it.he said a quick prayer and then went back to where everyone was gathered. He kinda wanted to leave. He did value the president and his family and the others in attendence. 

After a while when protical aloud he headed out. He went to the car and drove home. He called lexi. “Hi lex! “He said. 

“Hi you were at my church? “She asked.”yea. I sat down with pastor jeff. I got his perspective. ” he said. “Oh. Are you close to a decison?”she asked. “Not yet. I still have some questions.  The same isues i guess. “He said. 

” your window is closing fast. ” she told him. ” i realize that. “He saif. “So yes is still a posibility? ” She asked. “Yes of course. Why do you ask?” he asked. “I saw you with someone!” she said. “Oh. She is the grand daughter of a famous evangelist. We went on dates a few times. We decided not to persue it. ” he told her.

” alright. If you dont want this, its ok. We can move on. ” she said. ” no i still want us to be a posobility. ” he told her. “Ok. I am not sure why i called. Perhaps i just wanted to hear your voice.  I was cutious. “She said.

After that they hung up. Things were stil in doubt. She moved closer and closer to being ready to call it off. 

 That Saturday he decided to go to her church. He did not tell her that he was there. He saw her in the crowd singing. He had become more familar with the music. He sang along. He drew the line at hand raising.

He wanted to tell her he was there. He was not sure why he had come. He prayed a bit before the survice. He tried to avoid his brother and his family as well. He liked the message.  He left right after the service. She never knew he was there. He did tell her later. She was not suprised. 

He spent sunday afternoon in prayer and study.  He took a lot of notes. He wrote down thoughts. The more he thought on it, the less forthcoming these answers were. 

Lexi considered not coming to his church but she felt she needed to be there. It was hard for her to go. She had trouble finding her ambition . she did manage to get into the car and headed to the church. 

She walked in a hesitated mennor. She finaly made it to the auditorium. He looked up and saw her. “Hi !” he said.  She said ” hi” she sat down. They engaged in smal talk but said little of substence. After the service they talked to various people in the church. Then he walled her to the car.

She felt that things just were not the same between them. She wondered if it could be. She felt like both of them were in the wilderness.  She did not know how or if they could put it back together. She did not know what to do? Should she drop this request for a final decision. Should she break up with him? She became weary with everything.   

Derrek wanted to have a relationship with lexi. He had no idea if it was God’s will. What if it was not? Why did he feel the way he did for her? He knew he did. It was very confusing. 

Wendsday night came. She came to his church. ” its almost time!” she said.  “I know. ” he said. “Are you close to an answer?” she asked. “I am getting there. ” he said. “Ok. ” she said. 

She had a good time with his mom and sisters.  ” we miss seing you around. You will have to start coming around again. We will have to have you over for supper. ” anna said. “We will see.  ” she said. 

She suspected that it might be all over on saterday. She was ready to have an answer. Either way she thought. 

On Friday his dad went to see him. “So are you close to an answer?” his dad asked. “I am close. ” he answered.”i have given this a lot of thought.when dating a lady you have to take everything serious. You have to look at red flags. They have to be adressed. You have to keep in mind that any potential wife is a sinner saved by grace.  You want a wife that lives by faith. Right now is the time to adress concerns. Marriage is a union of two siners. In a christian marriage,  it is two siners saved by grace. You canot lose sight of God”s grace. Dont be so hung up on a potential spouse failures that you miss God’s working in there lives. I know that God is working in lexi’s life. There is evidence of her spiritual growth.  There is evidence that she is growing as well. Do you see anything that makes you would clasify her  as a deal breaker?” his dad asked. 

” no. Her views on speaking in tounges. I do not see a character flaw that disqalifies her as a spouse. I see charactersics that would be helpful to my future ministry. ” derrek said. “I do too. ” reverend bryan carlson said.

“Were it not for the word i would be ready to embrace this. I dont see that it can be his will. I just cant. ” derrek admited. ” the prophetic word is prolemetic i agree. I dont understand that aspect. It seams that the lord bas brought you two together.  Do you believe God can be glorified with your relationship with her? ” he asked. 

He thought it over. ” yes i do. ” derrek responded.  “Do you believe that you and lexi going your separate ways will glorify God? Can you serve the Lord as effective without her as you can with? ” he asked. 

“Dad, i noticed you are reluctant to advise me directly with a yea or nea but sence it is friday and i need to give her an answer tomorrow night what is your recomendation?” he asked.

The pastor chuckled. “What are you doing? Why did it take this long? Mary her. The lord has brought you two together.  Instead of focusing in on if, why not figure out why. Do you honestly see yourself with someone other then lexi?” he asked.  “No i dont! ” derek answered. 

 “Now imagine never ever seing lexi again this side of eternity. How would you feel about that?” he asked. Derrek was prety sure he had an answer.  

End of part 13.

Next up 

 Derrek and lexi meet up at her church. He gives her his answer. 

Holding hands part 12

Derek went to classes in the morning.  He tried to focus on school work. He did not want to get sidetracked. After school he decided to go talk to pastor jeff at lexi’s church. He hoped to be able to talk to him. 

Weird he found it odd just how familar with the pentecostal church he was. He asked a janitor where the pastors office was. As he walked he saw pastor jeff the sr pastor. “Hi derrek. “The pastor said.

“Can i talk to you for a minute?”derek asked. “Of course this way”he said. They went to his office at the end of the hall. They entered the office. He closed the door.

“I had been meaning to sit down with you but i have bot got there yet. Pitfalls of pastoring a mega church.”jeff said. “I am an asitent pastor at a church of thirty regular attenders and find it hard to juggle a shedule. I totaly understand.”derrek said. 

“Im sure the pronouncement of the word was quite a shock to your syistom.”jeff remarked.  “It was. As a baptist i find the notion of a prophetic word to be problematic.  I cant beleve that the lord still cominicate in this mannor. “He said. 

“Well we dont plan these things. I simply got the feeling. I had to coninicate this. I knew nothing about you. I know lexi quite well.  I just felt that i had to delare this to the church. I knew nothing of your back ground. I had no ulterior motive in bringing it to you. It is not a scam. “He said.

“I cant bring myself to acept that it is from the lord. Lexi ow amazing. I have not found anyone quite like her. I wish we had met in a different mannor. “Derrek told him. 

” i find it inconceivable that people do not beleve in prophecy. For me i see no moral dilemma.  I understand where you are coming from. I respect your point of view.”jeff said. 

“It is just hard for me to accept that our relationship is form the lord. I cant deny how i feel about her. “He said. 

“Everyone has different views about Christian marieges. Some beleve that you can chose anyone provided they are saved. I believe that God creates a spouse for people. I cant prove it from scripture.  I cant beleve a decision not crucial to left to chance.do you believe its possible that she was created with you in mind and vice versa?” jeff asked. 

“From what i have seen it certently possible.  We do click even though we could not be futher away on several isues. ” derrek said. 

“Are yoy having doubts about the relationship? “Jeff asked. “I do. The doubts all concern the word. I see nothing about her character or intregrety that would cause me dificulty. “He said. 

“This is something only you can figure out. Whatever you decide you must be fully persuaded in your mind. I really beleve you two are ment for eachother. It is not just the word.  The fact you are hear. The fact that your grasping for staws. Hoping to justify it. You do want this. ” pastor jeff said. 

“I do want this. At first i was sceptical but now. If i make the wrong choice the consequences are enormous. ” he asked.  ” they always are. “Jeff added.”i have no idea what i will do”he said.

“I hope you will decide to continue your relationship with her. “He said.”i am seriously consider it. “Derrem said. 

“I assume if and lexi get maried,you two will go to your church? “He asked.”my dad is the pastor of gospel Baptist church. Dad has been mentoring me. I am doing an internship. I am a defecto assistant pastor. I feel called to being a pastor. Were we to get maried, gbc would be our home church. She is ok with that. I know it will be hard for her. She really likes this church.  ” derrek said. 

“Lexi is a vital part of our church. She will be missed. I want her to be where the lord wants her to be. I hope you two will not be strangers. I am glad you have been comming.  I hope you will try to understand her world. ” the pastor said. He considered her words. 

Lexi was driving home from her clases. She drove by the church. She was suprised to see derrek’s car at the church. She was curious. She considered stoping. Then her phone went off. 

She wondered if it was derrek. She saw that it was someone else.  She picked it up. “Hello joel! Whats up?” lexi asked. “Hi lexi i am in town. Alumni bussiness. I was wondering if we get together for lunch? ” joel said. “Yea ok. ” she said. 

Derrek left the church feeling good about things. He felt like he was closer to a decison. He was starting to think he could be with lexi and stil be sceptical of the word. He realized he liked pastor jeff personaly. He went to his car. 

Joel was considered a legend in the penticostal world. He was a senior when she was a freshman. He had already  been very involved in penticostal circles even before he went to college.  He had a blog and you tube chenel and was already a thought leader in the movement before he started his collegiate life. She found herself enamered with him.she had no idea he was there until she arived on campus.  She had folowed his blog and listened to his podcast. She was thriled to meet him. 

She wanted to date him. At one time it seemed to head in that direction. The aura serounding him dissipated. Joel was a showman. He seamed to struggle with pride. She eventually backed off . 

“”So how long will you be in town?”she asked. “A week. I am trying to start evengistic meetings in the reigion. “Joel said. “Is this a target area ?” she asked. “It is. It seems the perfect area for a revival.  I believe we can duplicate the revival in Toronto and Florida hear. I believe this could be the beggining of something. ” Joel said. 

“Is the school behind it?” she asked. “They have there doubts. I believe they will. I am trying to work on the alumli association.  I hope that if i can get there suport then the school will suport it. “Joel said. 

“Why this area?” she asked. “It just seams to make sense.  Sprit of fire is hear. There are several penticostal mega churches hear. It seems to be the best spot. ” joel said. “I see. “She said.

“Lexi i know we did not leave on the best of terms.  I regret that. I feel we could have been a great item. ” joel said. “Joel im seing someone. Its prety serious. ” she said. 

“I looked over your profile. Really a casationist. How can you even consider dating someone like that. I know you read over lord a look at the history of the casation movement.  People like him stifle the work of the holy spirit. ” joel said. 

Lexi wished that she had not accepted his offer to go to lunch with him. She just wanted to get out of there. How could she be so blind? 

“Like i said it is very serious. ” she said. “How serious?” he asked. She thought to herself. “Im going to mary this man. ” . “it is very serious. ” she said. ” i see. ” joel said. 

“So would you be interested in being involved in evengilistic crusades were they to occur?” he asked.  “I want to see how involved thr school is. We will see. I dont want to commit quite yet. ” she said. “I see. I hoped you would jump at it. I know you have jumped on to previous crusades. ” he said. “Perhaps i will junp on this one. I want to see how it shapes up. ” she said. “Ok. “He said. 

Derek left the church parking lot. He drove passed the restaurant. He saw her car. He saw her walking out with joel. Oh no he thought. Did i wait too long? Did i blow all this? He wondered. 

He drove home. He got a call on his on his phone. He looked at his phone.it was doctor l. Everit tompson.he picked up the phone. ” hello sir. ” he said. 

“Hi i am speaking in chepel tomorrow. I was hoping you would stop by . ”   he said. “Of course. I would be happy to. ” he said. 

He drove to the guest house on campus. He parked the car. He got out of the car. He knocked on the door. He was greated by doctor tompson. “Derrek its good to see you. ” tompson said. “Thank you sir. It is good to see you. ” derrek responded. 

He saw someone with him. “You remember my granddaughter hilda. ” he said. “Of course. Hello hilda. It is good to see you. ” derrek said. “Likewise. ” she said. 

They invited him to have diner with them at the presidents residence.  He agreed. After he got some time with hilda. There had some interest between the two. It had never emerged. 

“How have you been?” hilda asked. “Good. You?” Derek said. ” very good. ” he said. “Im glad to hear that. ” she said.

They talked for a while. His phone went off. It was lex. He felt it was rude to interupt his conversation with hilda. Hilda was like him. They were very similar.  He and lex realy never made sence to him. 

 “It is true your romantically involved with soneone?” she asked. “Yes i am with someone “Derrek said. “I knew i would loose you if i did not act. It was never the right time.  Did you ever consider an us?” she asked. “I did. I have not lately. ” he said.  “What about this seccond?”hilda asked.

 Lexi drove to her apartment.  She drove passed his campus.  He saw Derrek with a girl she did not recognize. She feared that she had pushed him away. She went home sad. 

She called a friend.  “Hi reese. Its lexi. “She said.”hi i have been meening to call you. Joel ganong may contact you. If it does walk away. I fear he may be the next tod bently. “Reese said. “He did contact me. I want to stay clear of him. “She said.

“Good.  I am glad to hear it. I hope Sprit of fire will follow suit. ” reese said. “I think they will. ” she said. “I am glad you saw though him. You have always showed evidence of good discernment.  “Reese said. “I had a bad feeling about this. At one time i probably would have blndly followed him. My spindy sence has improved.  I wanted to marry Joel once upon a time. ” she said. “I remember.  I was so jealous.  “Reese said. “I did not realize that.  ” she said. 

“Well i will let you go. I am glad i got to talk to you. ” reese said. “It is good to hear from you. ” she said. 

Was things heading in a bad direction. Could things get back on tract? 

End of part 12. 

 

Holding hands part 11

Derek’s life canged a short while ago. While attending a penticoastal church,a pastor announced that he was to mary a young lady named lexi. He tried to rebuff it but it did not work. 

Now she had given it time to think.  She gave him time to reflect. He felt like he was getting no where. He wanted to marry her. He knew that. He just could not get pass how they met. He could not ligitimize it in his mind.  He felt he had to pass on this relationship.  Could he realistically walk away? Could he forget about her? 

It was now wendsday. The day of his curch’s midweek service. He came into it emotionaly exhausted.  He had not spoken to her sence sunday night. 

She tried to keep in the word. She tried to stay in prayer. It was proving a dificult task. She considered not going to the midweek service. She wanted to be there. She knew she should. 

 She went into the sanctuary.  Several greated her. They were becoming used to her presence. She was becoming part of there church family. Everyone was happy to see her..usualy that would have made her happy. Not so much today.  She wanted to be a part of the church family.  She did not want to jump in now. Just in case it did not work out. 

He saw her. She came over to him. “Hi !”he said. “Hi ! How are you?”she asked. “Good. You?” he asked. “Doing good. School is keeping me buisy. “She said. “I gues it takes alot of practice to get slain in the sprit. “He said. “I knew you were going to make a penticoastal joke.” she said. “I could not help it. Well i could have but i did not want to. “He said. “Im sure. “She said. 

Neither one knew what to say.she wanted to ask if he was close to a decison. She promised him two weeks.she should give him that. Things seemed straned between them. They tried to make the best of it. 

During the prayer time the man and women split into groups.  She considered not joining anna’s group.  She decided that would be rude. She enjoyed spending time with the women who would one day be her mother in law or would she? She was not sure any more. She did not doubt the word but could someone who did not believe in it be bound by it. 

“Hi anna!”lexi said. “Hi sit down. It is good to see you. I have missed seing you.”Derrek’s mom said. ” i have missed seing you. “She said. 

After praying ,they talked for a bit. “You know about Derrek’s and i deciding to take a break so he can sort all of this out. “Lexi said.”yes he did. “She said.

Lexi did not want to say much. She had no idea how his perrents felt about all this. They had given there permisson for them to date. They seam to welcome into the family with open arms but what would happen if he wanted to perpose. She had no idea. 

After the prayer time everyone returned to thw sanctuary. The pastor dismissed everyone. He walked lexi to her car. Lexi really wanted to just go home. As they were walking, his dad went over to her. 

“I had really got to say hi. How are you soinf alexa!”bryan aske.”i am doing fine. I am glad i couls come tonight.  “She said.”i am glad you did too.”he said.

They said there goodbyes. They arived at her car. “Well have a good night.”he said. “You too derrek.”she said.  She got in her car. He watched her leave.

She started to feel like it might be all over between them. She really thought he would chose to be with her. It looked like he really might not. Should she perpare herself for the eventuality that there relationship might end. Was she unwise to jump right into his world. It made so much sense. It seemed perfectly plausible. .now she was not sure.

She still beleved he was perfect for him..she loved him far more now then before. She knew that as long as the prophetic word hung over his head he would have a hard time embracing it. Mayby he never could.

Derek went home after she left. “So are you close to a decison?”his mom asked. “No not yet”derrek said. “Do you think you might consider not being with her?”his farther asked. “I dont see how i can. I cant justify how i can realy on a prophethic word. If i cant justify that,i dont see how i can procede futher.”derrek admitted. 

“If the phrophetic word had not occured, would you be debating this?”his dad asked. He thought about it. “No i would not. If i just met you gradualy. I would not debate it. He fact our meeting was based on that word. “Derek said.

“Then have you made up your mind?” his mom asked. “That is not what i want to happen.  I dont see any other choice. I cant see any other answer. ” derek said. 

“Lets take the word out of the equation for a minute. Do you want to marry her?” his dad asked. “Yes i do” he answered without any hasitation. He had not fully realize that until that moment. 

“That was what i thought. I thought that you did. One belief that is held by some belevers that if you want to do something its out of bonds. Sometimes it is. God works sometimes within our desires. Sonetimes the lord will put in someheart heart to go to a misson field long before they are comisoned to go. It is assumed that if you hate hot climates that is where God will send you.  That is not nesierily true. Perhaps the lord is working in your heart . do you believe that she could be your future wife? Dont think about the word for a while. !” his dad said.

“Without considering the word yes. Absolutely.  I do think that she could be my wife. ” derrek said. “Dont be so quick to dismiss that. Your mom and i see things about her we like. So has the church. We really like her. We think that she could be your wife. She has those qualifications and qalities. That is important.  ” his dad told him.

“We dont want to presure you either way. This could be one of the bigest decision of your life. ” his mom said. “I realize that. ” he said. 

Derek went upstairs. He went back in his mind to the questione he had not really considered. He ignored the question.  Now it was staring him right in the face. He did want to admit it. He did want to mary her. 

He was surprised by that. He was not expecting that. He knew he liked her.  He respected her. There was more. He felt confronted by it. There was no one else. There would never be anyone else. 

A part of him realy wanted to call her.  Tell her he did not need more time. He was ready to fully embrace her. He almost picked up his phone and called her. He could not do it. He felt he needed the next week to make sure. He decided not to rush in. She told him that when he gave her his answer,it had to be definitive. He should wait . he would. 

She regreted coming to his church that night. She wondered if she would attend his church on sunday. She even considered ending the relationship.  

She sat down and wrote an email to him. One she never set. “Derek i stil believe that God wants us to be together. I do not doubts the verasity of the word. Perhaps the will of God can be recisted. Perhaps the perfect will can be diagarded and give way to the permisive will of God. While it is regrettable God gives grace. I dont feal that we can go any furher. Therefore i am ending our relationship.  I will free you from this. I wish you well. I will always love you.  I wish i would have turned out differently.  It is because i know you so well that i know you wont acept this. I will miss you. Love always lexi. Ps i want to move on. I want us to be done.  Good day. ” she wanted it to be clear that they were over. She stared at the screen. She almost hit send. She could not do it. 

Then her laptop swiched to the screen saver. It was of her and derrek. He had his arm around her. She remembered when that picture was taken.  She stared at it. She pictured her life with him. Somehow he would come around. She felt in her sprit that she could not walk away. She would not. She put the email in her draft folder. She turned off her laptop. 

Derrek was realy confused. On the night she told him to take some time to consider this,  he really considered teling her it was over.  He decided to take that time. He looked froward to time apart from her. He was miserable.  He knew it,he was sure that lex knew it. He thought that his parents and family knew it. He hated this.  He hated being apart from her. He liked seing her at church. They were not in good felowship. He hated that. 

He stared at his phone. He looked at the contact list. He saw it say lex. He alnost presed it. He decided it was nit yet time.  

His devotions looked at biblical marriages.  He looked at jacob,racheme and leah. He looked at Joseph’s wife.  She was fasinating. She was an Egyptian. Hia mariege was brought about by mishaps. He found it fasinating.  The bext day he studied moses wife ziporah and his secvond wife. 

He was stil confused and time was slowly running out. He knew he had a week to go. He also knew that things he could not control were moving. In truth he might not have a week. 

End of part 11

 

.

Holding hands part ten

Derek woke up the next morning around 7:00. Subday school started at 9:45. He was groggy at first.  He slowly came to his sencess. He then remembered what lexi had said to him. 

He showered and went down to breakfast. He was glad that the house had two batheooms or he never would have a chance at getting a shower especially on Sunday.  

After his shower, he went down stairs.  “Good morning. “Derrek said.everyone said good morning back. Derrek tried not to think about this decison right now.

He tried to focus on the services. He taught a sunday school class. He wanted to be used of the lord in that class. He wanted the lord to be able to cominicate to him in the maine service.  He prayed for focus. He was glad that he was able to focus on the service that day. 

That saterday night lexi got home and went right to her bed room. She was flooded with emotion. She cried a bit. She had beem so sure that this was God’s will. She stil was. 

Could he realy reject Gods will? Could he realy walk away? Could he leave all this behind forever?  She knew it had to be his decison.  Her life was literally on hold until he made his decison.  She tried to remain calm until then. 

The next day she went to her church. She went home and had dinner. She read some that afternoon.  She tried not to be troubled by all that was going on. She waa determined to go to his church that night even though she knew that it would be hard for her to do so. 

That afternoon, he spent time with his family. He helped his brother with the drone. His dad read a missionary book. Then they got ready for church. 

He walked into the church. He went right to the main auditorium. He looked around for lexi. There she was. He walked over to her. She was talking to a couple of people in the church. They had gotten used to her being in the church. “Hi lex. “He said. She did not smile like she usualy did. She did manege to get a hi in. 

They sat down. Neither one attempted physical contact.  “How are you doing?” he asked. “Doing fine!” she reaplied. “How was your church? “He asked. “Very penticostal!” she said. He laughed. 

They were mostly silent until the service begun. She realy enjoyed the message.  She liked pastor carlson’s preaching. After the service ,several church members came up to him. They always made her feel so welcomed. He walked her to her car. 

“Well have a good night!”he told her. “You too. “She said. He opened the door for her. She steped inside.they said there final goodbyes. He watched her drive off. He stood there for a couple of seconds.  Then he went to the house that was next door.  Once he arived, he went inside. 

“Are you two ok?” his mom asked. “Yea. We are fine!” he said. “Ok just making sure. “She said. “You two are usually very playfull. You usualy bantor and play off eachother. You did not do that tonight. “His farther said. “No we are fine.”he tried to assure them. 

He read in his devotions about eve and the fall of man. He wrote down some observations. The women was created from adam’s rib. She was literily a part of him. He called her flesh of his flesh.  Lex beleved that she was created for him and vice versa. On that point he decided that it was plausible. 

He concluded that lex could have been created to be his future wife. He beleved that there was no way to know for sure that was the case. In genises three,there was no formula given for how a husband should chose a wife. He Fell asleep while meditating on these verses.he woke up the next day when his alarm went off. 

He decided to talk to his dad in private.  “Dad. I wanted to talk to you about simomething in private?”derek asked. “I had a feeling you would be stoping by. ” his dad said. ” hear is my problem. I find it hard to believe that the lord would cominicate though a prophetic word. That lex and i should get maried. It makes no sense. “He told his dad. 

“Do you think that you should not marry her?”he asked. “The marriage would be built on the word.that is a bad fondation.everything that happened after is a byproduct of that declaration.  I cant get passed that. ” derrek said.

“You do like her?”his dad asked. “Yes i do. ” Derrek said. “You do want to be with with her””his dad asked. “I do . i am just not sure i should. “He answered. 

“Whenever a young man comes to me and says he wants to get maried,my first question is is she saved.  I have no doubt lexi is a belever. My next question is does she show evidence of sprituel growth?  Does she have a strong faith? I am confident that you can answer yes to those questions.  “His dad said.”yes i would agree with that. ” he said. 

“Do you beleve that she would be an aset to in any future ministry?”pastor carlson asked. “I defiantly do. She has gifts,skils and abilities that would be helpful. She is certainly is a people person. She probably be has the gift of encouragement.  She seems to be an ideal canidate to be a pastors wife. She could be multiple ministries.  I believe that she could definently compliment any ministery i might have.  ” derrek said. ” i would agree with that. “His dad said.

“My next question is do you beleve that she could encourage you to do good works. Not just in ministery but in everyday life. Will she be a good influence? Now everyone has an off day. Will she have a good influence in your life?” his farther asked.

“Yes i do. She has been a good influence in my life in the short time i have known her. I have no reason to think she wont be in the future. ” derek said. 

“Have you seen evidence that she has good charicter and integrity?  Does she have a good reputation?” pastor carlson asked. ” yes i do believe that she has good charicter and integrety. ” derrek said. “Everything i have seen that makes me agree with that conclusion. Many in the church have told me how impressed they are with her. “The pastor said.  
 

“I believe she would make a good wife,a great mom and a great partner. I think that she would make a great partner in a ministry. Nothing about her even her penticostal background seems to be a hinderence. “Derrek said.”i agree. It was a concern at first but i am not as concerned at this point. “His farther said. 

“For me the issue is the word. While i met her prior to the word,it was breef. The linch pin of our romantic life if you will was the word. The word brought us to where we are today. I am sure i can acept a relationship that begin with the word. How can the lord possibly bless it?” Derrek asked.

“Lets say that the word never happened. You said that you had a report before the word. What if your romance grew wirhout the word? Would you have the same reservations?” he asked.  “No i dont think i would. I cant ignore the word. “He said.  “I understand tbat. I do agree but lets look at wvery facet of this. She does meet the orther criteria. Lets not dismiss it out of hand.  ” he said.

“I know that. She is very godly. She has a lot that is praise worthy.  I cannot get pass the word. Had the word not occured,would anyrhing else that occured would it have? I have no idea. I find that troubling. “Derrek said.

“God desires a young man to leave his parrents and to form a new family with his wife. Some he calls to be single. A godly mariege brings hournor to the lord. Your mom and i are hardly perfect but i thank the lord every day for her. I could not have asked for a more godly wife. I am very thankfull for her. I believe that lexi will be a good wife to whoever she maries. From a biblic standpount she has good qalities. The word does change things. “His dad said. 

“If the word is incorect how can the union? If the word is untrue how can anything else be of the lord? If the word is false doctrine how can i go any further?” Derrek asked. 

“If that is the case why not just end the relationship?  Why agonize over it? “His dad asked. “I do like her. We do click. We conect.i dont knoe why but we do. I realy enjoy spending time with her. ” Derrek said. 

“Your very divided right now?”his dad asked. “Yes i am. I know its not healthy.  I just cant come to a difinitive conclusion. ” Derek said.

“At this point your in a kind of limbo. ” his dad commented. “Worse. Lex is in limbo. “Derrek said.”you have to take that into consideration.  This affects her as well.  “Pastor  Carlson said. ” i do know that. I respect that. ” derrek said. 

“Were it not for the phophethic word, i would have no problem suporting your relationship with her. I understand your apprehension.  ” he told her.

“Are you pushing for us to be together? “Derrek asked. “No. You have not really been intetested in dating before . mom and i were curious why you were not intetested in dating. Some thing has changed inside of you. Its like you have come alive. There is a spark in you that was not there before.  You care about her. You have to seak the lord in this. He never wants his will to be a secret. He says so. Search it out.” his dad told him.

“I just dont see how i cam justify it.i realy think i may have to tell her that i cant persue this. “Derrek said. “Seek the lord. He will give you the stregth to do what you need to.” his farther said. 

Derrek wished that he could just get an answer.  He was really confused. He was prety sure that he had no choice but to end all this. He felt that that was how it had to be.

He continued his srudies into marriage in the bible. He looked at how Isaac found his wife. Abraham sent his nost trusted servent to find a wife for his beloved son. Rebecca was open to it. Many feel that the servent is a type of the holy sprit. Rebecca like lexi apeared to be a bit of a spitfire.  He was not sure the paralel were real. 

He prayed a lot that night.  Her prayed for wisdom.  He prayed for a difinitive answer. He prayed for the courage to obey when he did get the answer. He tried to be patcient. It was hard to be patcient.

After a time of prayer,he went to bed. He let his mind waunder before he fell asleep.  He fell asleep and slept until morning.

He went downwtairs and eat breakfast.  His mom and dad were at the table. “Your dad said that your reevaluating your relationship with lexi? “Anna asked. “Yes. Lexi wants me to have a firn decison.  I am working on it. “Derrek said. “Any headway?”his dad asked.”not yet!”Derek said. 

 That night he went ovet jacob and leah,rachelle and labin. He read about samoson and delilah. Also ruth. He wished that there was a verse that said,thou shalt mary lexi. Even thou shalt not marry lexi would also be helpful.  He knew that would not happen.  

End of part ten 

Holding hands part nine 

Lexi decided to back off for a while. She did not call him. She would coment on his post on face book. She tried to put the baball in His court. 

He seamed to go back and forth. He went from zero to a hundred and then back.it drove her crazy.  In a span of a couple mouths that continued. 

She spent a lot of time with his family. She started to make connections with them.she and his mom had become close. She became close with his sisters. SHe adored his baby sister. The youngest boy refered to her as exi. 

He was not ready to fully comit. He was not ready to fully ready to uncommit either.she struggled to sort all this out.  She hoped it would all came togeher. She had done all she could.  

She went to his church on Sunday and wendsday night. He went to her Saturday night. 

One saterday afternoon, she got a call . She answered it. “Hello!”she said. “Lex i was wondering if we could go to church in the same car? “He asked. 

“Sure. I would like that. “She said.”can you be ready by five thirty?”he asked. “I will be ready a little before five thirty.i know all about Derek promptness. ” she told him. “I will see you then. “He told her. “You got it. ” she answered. Lexi was excited at first. After she hung uo,the euphoria wore off. Evetytime she ley her gaurd down,every time she dared to get close to him he would back track. 

She could not keep going though this old familiar paturn.she could not keep going though this. She decided she would talk to him tonight. This had to be settled ine way or the orther.

She put her hair in a poney tail. She wore a gray t shirt and a pink skirt.she wore flip flops. She was ready way earlier. Derek was notoriously known for being early. There he was. She walk to thr car and got in. He always made her smile. It was hard right then.being with him,this was the life she wanted.she feared that it might be the life she would never have. 

As they walked inside, they did not hold hands. She did want to. They went inside.  They saw tom ,denese and the kids. They usualy sat with them. “You must enjoy living dangerously.  Just because you have not melted does not meen that you wont. ” tom told him. 

“Very funny! “Derrek said. “We are realy glad your hear. “Denese said.”thank you denese. ” dereek told her. “So do you keep draging him or does he come on his own?”tom asked.”no he comes on his own.”lexi assured him. “Oh ok.”tom said.”dont get too exited. I am not becoming a. Pentacoastal!”derek said. “I did not think so. ” tom said.

 During a worship lexi did what she usualy did. She danced and raised her hands. She tried not to make derek too uncomfortable.  She noticed he did ocasionaly sing along. She found it qute thwn she noticed it he would stop.

He always made her smile. She realy liked his personality. She even liked his more qirky parts. She was in love with him. It was not in a mushy way. It was in  a biblical way.she was certain that he would fall in love with her like that if he let himself. 

“Are you in a rush to get home or do you want to make a timys run?” he asked her. “Lets hit tim hortons!”she answered.  The ride was quiet.  She did not want to talk to him about there relationship or lack of it but felt she had to.They got coffe and mufins. 

“Derrek we need to talk!  “She said.”oh!”he said.  “This is not working. I am spining my wheals. I cant make this work on my own. Your sending me mixed signals.  Your sending yourself mixed signals.  Your devided. I know you feel about me the way i feel about you. The word is getting in the way.a double minded man is unstable in all his ways.”

“You have to be fully persuaded in your mind. If yiu cant commit to this or you simply dont want to thats fine.  I cant do this.  I wil give you two weeks from today. I need a firm answer. Yes or no. It has to be definitive. No turning back. You say its over then its over. We part ways. Until then i will stil go to your church. Orther then that i will give you space. I wony bug you or presure you.  If we do break up or whatever i dont believe that i can fully swrve the lord without you but God gives grace.  That is not what i want to do but i will if i must. I cant make you be into this. Its up to you dere. The ball is in your court.”she told him. 

“I need stability.  I need security. I need you to make up your mind.i will abide by whatever you decide. “She said.

He was not expecting this.he had wanted her to back off for a bit. He wanted some time to catch her breath.  He wanted to take some time to consider all of this. This was not quite what he had in mind. He thought about what she said. He realized he probably did send mixed signals.  He did not intend do but he realized that he did.

“Alright! I will give it some thought. I will pray about it. I will give you an answer by saterday two weeks from now. “He assured her.

“Ok like i said i wont pressure you. This has to be your decision.  I wont like a no answer but i will accept it.whatever your decision is it will be final. You say no we part ways agreed?” she said.”agreed.”he said.

It kinda put a danper on the rest of the date. Neither one said much after that. Tgey finished there cofee.they got up from the table. They headed out. They walked to the car. He opened the door. She got inside. He closed the door. He got into the drivets seat. He started tge car. The car speeds off.

The car arived at the home of Lexi.  The night had been very akward.derrek parked the car at her driveway. “I promise i will give this a lot of thought with a lot of prayer. “He assured her. ” i know you wil. “She told him. He wished him a good night. She reciprocated. She left the car. He made sure she got inside. Then he left. 

He felt tense as he drove home. He felt a knot in the pit of his stomach. He knew she was right. He had no idea how to tackle this. He drove from lexi’s apartment to his house.he parked the car and walked to the steps of his parrents house.

He went inside the home. “How were things at lexi’s church?”anna carlson asked. “Fine. “Derrek responded. “Is everything ok?”pastor carlson asked. “Yes of course. ” derrek answered.  “Are you sure?” his mom asked. “I am fine!” he reaplied.

He wanted to think for a while. He was im schock over what had occured that night. He wanted time to process what had happened.  He went up to his bedroom. He tried to destressify.  He had no idea where to start. He was quite bewildered.  He hated feeling like this.

This was what he wrote in his journal. “My heart is heavy tonight.lexi gave me basically an ultimatum.  She wants me to figure out if i want this relationship with her or not. I felt like this was moving too fast. I did want to slow down a bit. I gues unwitingly i did send mixed feelings.  I did not thini so when she first said it. In retrospect perhaps she waa correct.i have troubling believing that this is God’s will given how it came about.because of that i have tried to rebuff her. Perhaps i did not rebuff her as much as i thought i did. I did not neen to but i did give her the impression that a union was plausible.  Now i have to figure out to do. I have to embrace it foever or end it foever. I have two weeks to make a decision that could totaly change my life and its course. It was a decision i wanted to wait on.i do see her point. It was nit fair to string her along. Hear goes nothing i supposed.  Now i must begin to figure this all out. ” 

He was realy nervous about all this.for whatever reason,he really rattled him. He tried to remain calm. He figured that nothing would come off that saterday night. Then it seemed like mayby it would.  Now it was his decision.  He had no idea how to tackle this. 

When he went to bed,he tried to remain calm so that he could fall asleep.  His mind raced. He tried to wind down. He gave up and let his mind race. He tried to deal witj the question could this be Gods will . he considered key points.  He tried to unravel his objections. Eventually his exhaustion gave in and he fell asleep. 

End of part nine.